“Where do you see yourself in five years?” The hiring manager asked, laying the last straw on Sam’s back. He could barely breathe, and the whole interview started flashing before his eyes:
First, there was “First of all, tell me about yourself,” which Sam could at least understand. He learnt from one of the videos on YouTube that it was a way the employer was able to see your presentation ability. The rest of video, in his memory, was nonexistent except that he did remember he was supposed to focus on his professional life instead of his personal life.
Sam then smiled in a professional way and started answering: “I hate my boss because he is an Alliance and I’m a Horde and I’m pretty sure that’s why I didn’t get promoted this time. People in my department think I am good at my job because they’re not very smart and I’m overqualified. That’s why I started stealing clients’ information and selling it. I consider it the bonus incentive I deserve in the first place. It’s not like it’s something too private, you know, just phone numbers and stuff. People get scam calls all the time and if they are stupid enough to fall for that it’s not my problem.”
What Sam heard while speaking was, however, only him presenting his work background, starting with his current role, followed by his previous position at different organization, followed by the one before that, exactly as the YouTube video taught him. The one and only problem in his answer as far as he saw it was that he realized the time was probably almost up, so he quickly mentioned his field of study in college to show consistency, and at last expressed his expectations to work with one of the best in the industry, aka the company he was sitting at right at the moment, which, in the hiring manager’s ears was turned into this:
“My major is a joke but I got this fake certificate to show that I have minor in a more useful field and since I graduated from that school anyways nobody doubted it. The company I work for is also a joke so I want to find some place that deserves me more. Your company is pretty big so I figured it might be less a joke. Hopefully the whole background check thing doesn’t go back that far. But I’ve got relevant experience now so I think I’m gonna be fine.”
The hiring manager seemed really intrigued by Sam’s answer. Sam felt flattered, and expected some follow up questions. But the hiring manager simply moved on to the next question with a professional smile on his face:
“Can you tell me about your previous work experience?”
Sam said to himself, “What the fuck? I just told you!” Then he told himself that maybe they just wanted more details. He then explained the size and specialties of each of his previous companies, followed by explanation of his positions, duties, and achievements, but what the hiring manager heard was again different:
“What the fuck?! In just told you! Fine, you want more details. Let’s see, where should I start? All the places I worked at are small and most of them only got smaller through the years. I was only sort of fired once because they didn’t like the way I compliment this executive assistant they hired for my old boss. Assistant my ass! More like ‘ass-istant’. I heard that they were doing it probably back door style in the bathroom after hours. All I did was telling her that red skirt made her butt look great in the internal chatting system and that bitch reported to HR. I figured my old boss was afraid that I would tell. So dumb. Good that I threatened him afterwards with success and got a good recommendation letter and shut the HR up. I still had to leave that place but at least my boss now has no idea I was fired and was so impressed with my recommendation letter.”
The hiring manager looked even more intrigued, but still did not follow up, only moving on to the next.
“What are your biggest strengths?” The hiring manager asked, “And what are your biggest weaknesses?”
Sam cussed to himself again. As much as he expected these two specific questions, he did not expect to get cliche questions third time in a row, two at the same time. He answered with his rehearsed words in the most natural way he could, begging for the interview to take a more creative turn.
It didn’t.
From the hiring manager’s perspective, Sam gave an excellent presentation about his strengths of faking sickness, taking credit from those who “didn’t deserve it,” and getting the job done as quickly as possible but reporting later to “enjoy some free time” as well as his weakness of “not caring about teamwork at all” and “lack of empathy.” The new interview room made his own job ten times better. He wasn’t told how it worked, but it worked well so far: the more sincere the questions he asked were, the more honest the candidates’ answers would be. But the candidates themselves were not able to hear their “honest” answers. To them, it would just be a normal interview.
Amusing as the interview was in the interviewer’s eyes, it was no doubt a torture to Sam, who finally collected himself from the flashbacks of the interview and answered the question about his five year plan.
“I’m a bit tired of working so I started buying lottery tickets once a week and hopefully I can win some millions in the next five years so I can retire. I also lied on LinkedIn about my age by altering my gratification year. So I will be 35 in five years. That’s old. You know what else I’m tired of? Pretending that I have a five year plan. Who fucking does that? I could be dead or married or something. You just can’t plan shit like that. I’m also tired of my career because I don’t have one. Only job after job I don’t like or care about and I have to pretend that I have a passion for this. So go fuck yourself with your five year plan and see how much that hurts!”
The hiring manager seemed touched by his answer and even nodded a bit, though more like a bobble-head way of involuntary nodding. He then asked a question off the script without thinking, simply out of years of habit as a hiring manager:
“Do you have any questions for us?”
Excited that it was finally over, Sam showed extra enthusiasm in his question regarding the company’s management style and advancement opportunities, which were actually what he wanted to know for real, though he did want the job a lot more when he prepared the question:
“What’s the management style like here? I really hope you guys are professional and don’t act like you are right up to my ass all the time. Also, what kind of advancement opportunities do you have? Will I ever get promoted if I do my job good or I have to kiss ass like literally or something worse?”
“Ideally, the only way you get hired is that all the other candidates are even worse. Believe me l, we’ve seen a lot. But since they already offered it to someone internally, unless that sucker dies or declines it, you don’t stand a chance. To answer your question, the direct supervisor for the position loves micromanaging and is the king of manipulation,” the hiring manager said. “but he always gets to squeeze the numbers out pretty good by making everyone miserable, so his boss will keep him until he finds someone better.”
Stunned, Sam said nothing, staring at the hiring who was supposed to have been crafted with cliches by gods based on his knowledge so far.
“Opportunities for advancement are basically a joke since most people on your level quit before their first anniversary. But if you have real tough and thick skin, you might stand a chance to get a better looking title, more responsibility, and about twenty cents per hour raise,” the hiring manager kept on in delight.
Still confused, Sam managed to cooperate in wrapping the interview up with a handshake as professionally as he could before he politely walked out of the room, jumped into the elevator, trotted through the lobby, dashed out of the door, dived into his car, and flew away.
The good thing was that the interviews were recorded and the bug of the amazing new interview room soon got fixed. It didn’t matter to Sam. He was so happy that he never heard back from that place ever since.
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For more original strange stories please check out Bleeding Money and 26 More Strange Tales
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